Sunday, 23 October 2016

How It Feels to Lose a Friend

Sometimes, you lose a friend. Sometimes, you can try and save them, keep them with you, keep them happy. Sometimes, you just let them go. 

When I was younger, in primary or secondary school, I tried. I would desperately try to cling onto a friendship, fearing the ultimate rejection and loneliness if they moved on. But there was nothing I could do. They didn't want to be my friend anymore. 

Now, I just let them go. Something I've learnt over the years is that you can't save a friendship if one of you doesn't want it to be saved. You can't convince them otherwise. It doesn't make it feel any less awful.

Over the years, I've lost countless friends. Some of them I've argued with. Some of them have found someone else. Others have vanished without a trace or reason. Every time I've been left with the emptiness. After all, they were your friend; somebody who you confided secrets in, the first person you rang when something exciting happened, the shoulder you cried on. 

I'm left feeling envious. Envious to see them with someone else. 

I'm left feeling betrayed. I've had friends who have left and then directly attempted to sabotage my friendships with other people. They've become petty, cruel and hurtful. 

There are times I have been blamed for the destruction of the friendship, and even when I have tried my very hardest to change and fix it it hasn't been enough.

I'm left feeling angry, sad, annoyed, overwhelmed. Until eventually, all the feelings go away and all that remains of them is a distant shadow, flickering in the deepest corners of my mind. We all move on. 

"Maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through." - Danielle Steel.

I truly believe this. It hurts to lose a friend, there's no doubt about it, but now I just like to think of the lessons that person taught me. From knowing them I have had part of my life altered for the better. I have been able to grow. 

There are people in your life who will be there until the end of time. They are the ones to focus on. Take the energy that you put into feeling angry, sad, annoyed or overwhelmed and put into loving the ones who are there for you. 

I'm not sorry for who I am and I'm not sorry that there are people who have left. I know I am loved and even if that's by the smallest group of people, I know that it's enough. 


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