Lockdown has made me realise just how few people I actually speak to. I don't know if this is normal or not, but during the day I either speak to my mum or my friend Alexandra...and that's it. The times where I extend beyond this tiny circle are usually just DMs with followers, and occasionally someone I know will reply to my story and I might engage with a short interaction with them. When I hear people talking about chatting to lots of people, I get a bit bewildered. Why is it that my social circle is so small now?
And then it hit me. I am terrified that I am bothering people. Simple as that.
The idea of actually messaging someone, even if it's someone who has given me their number or said they'd like to chat, is so daunting to me because I have managed to convince myself that I am just super annoying and if I send them a text or a DM they're just going to think, "Oh god, not her again."
The likelihood of this actually happening, of course, is slim. Whenever someone messages me first I always get excited, so I highly doubt people are filled with dread at the sight of my name popping up on their home screen. Despite this, I still find it hard to talk to people. I get worried I'll say the wrong thing, offend someone or just simply ramble on too much about topics. These are all things that have happened in the past that for some reason have a massive effect on my current life and I'm frankly quite tired of it!
One of my small goals for 2021 is now to talk to more people and overcome that fear I feel upon sending the first message. I am a naturally very closed off and introverted person around people who I don't know really well so this is a massive jump outside of my comfort zone for me. Also, one of the side effects of cutting a lot of negative people out of my life last year is that I have very little left to work with, so interacting with new people who I think may not be so toxic is going to be a challenge.
Despite this, I'm willing to give it a go and hopefully make some new friends in the process!
Do you relate to this feeling at all? x
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