Here's the truth: I think I'm pretty awesome.
For some reason, I think there's a bit of stigma that goes around, especially between women, when a woman loves herself. Automatically she's classed as "vain" or "up herself" and we almost resent women who are confident and happy in their own skin. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's just the way we've been raised, but I personally am done with it.
Up until maybe a few months ago I felt this overwhelming sense of negativity about myself. Of course, everyone has negative thoughts sometimes and if you've read my blog and followed my social media for a while you'll know that not everything has been roses for me. I have struggled immensely with self-esteem issues and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I even felt confident in my own body.
But it almost hit me the other day. I was scrolling through Twitter and a question popped up from the wonderful Vix Meldrew. She asked whether when fantasising about a sexy scenario, do you look like yourself? I hardly had to think about it and quickly typed out my response; "I always look like myself :) x"
I hit send and then scrolled through the other responses. I was shocked to see that almost everyone else said that they imagined themselves differently, as a "skinnier" or "prettier" version. I sat back and thought for a moment, "Am I just ridiculously vain?"
The reality is, yes, I probably am. But I'm not sorry.
If loving myself implicitly makes me vain, then so be it, but goddamn I am happy.
I've spent years and years disliking myself for stupid reasons, looking in the mirror and thinking I wasn't pretty enough or my nose was too big or my personality was weird. And I tell you what, I have never felt such a sense of freedom as I do right now.
And I have to say, it wasn't easy to get to this stage. I have struggled and fought against my own mind which has attempted to chip away at my self-esteem for years and now I finally feel worthy. And if that means that other people will resent me, think I'm stuck up or just plain inconsiderate because of it, then so be it.
I think it's almost frowned upon now to have a sense of self-worth, like if you don't have some kind of negative opinion of yourself then you're shutting other people down. It's not like that at all. If anything, I'm writing this post to show people that it is possible to love yourself, even if you've spent years doing exactly the opposite.
Learning to love myself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I got there. And I tell you what, there is no way I'm going back.
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